Feelings

Some may remember that song "Feelings", from the 70's. The first line was "feelings, nothing more than feelings..." Now, I can't say that it was my favorite song, In fact, I probably changed stations when it was on the radio. But, the line sticks in my head at the moment. As mentioned yesterday (yes, I have managed to make a post two days in a row), a family member, my wife, is in the hospital. I am sitting in her room right now in fact. I think she is recovering from what has brought her here, but her body is very weak. I am writing this now to relate an experience I just had that really shook me up. I came here a couple hours ago and checked in on my wife. She was sleeping, so I went down to have breakfast. On my way up back to her room, I suddenly heard a voice in my head. Now, my mind is rarely silent, but usually it is my own voice giving me a running commentary on my day and how to react to it, or commenting on reactions I have already had. As a person who wants to "listen to his inner voice" I try and draw upon parts of my mind that may be able to break through the chatter and give me some good insight. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. I have always believed in the maxim, "practice makes perfect", so even when I am not sure what I am hearing is that "still, clear voice", I just try and have faith that if it sounds like good advice, wisdom, whatever, I take it.

This voice was different however. It really did feel like it came from somewhere else. Now, I have as much trouble as anybody really having faith in whatever else might be operating in this world other than what I can detect with my five senses, so I do not say this lightly. What or who this voice was, or where it came from I don't know. But, it had a wisdom within it that made me feel that I should listen to what it had to say. In fact, I was about to enter my wife's room, but detoured in order to hear what it had to say without interruption.

I can't recite verbatim what this voice had to say and because I am on my own personal journey, a lot of it might not make sense to someone who hasn't lived my life as I have led it. Still, there were some things that I think are universal and can be shared. Also, I think it will help reinforce within me what I need to take from this "lecture" to write about it. So, think of this as my classroom notes.

Getting back to feelings, the reason I am titling this post "Feelings" and led off with the first line to a hokey song is because it is our feelings that can act as our most trusting guidepost to where we need to be heading. As this voice was speaking to me, I found myself starting to cry. Now, I am not going to say I never cry, or that I always cry either. I may or may not be like most people who have trouble accessing those kind of emotions, but on occassion, they well up within me because what I am experiencing is so overwhelming that it just comes out. It was this reaction that helped me see the significance of what I was hearing to my life and allowed me to become more open to it. This was one of the things that reverberated in my mind after this voice went away. That I had to allow my feelings to guide me more and trust them more. We are bombarded with so much information in our lives, it is hard to know what nourishes us and what doesn't. Somewhere within all of us, I believe, we have the ability to really assess what is going on around and within us and keep some kind of perspective in place. It is a hard thing to do, and chances are we will never really know for sure if what we sense is truly that "inner voice" or just some other part of our brain giving us input. As I said, it requires faith and practice...a lot of both as far as I can tell.

Getting back to this voice I heard, it also talked to me about choices. It was particularly talking about the choices I have made in regards to dealing with this illness my wife has had for several years. It told me that I might want to think about the choices I had made in how to deal with this difficult situation. I know in my heart that I have not made the best choices in regards to this. One of the biggest choices I have made was trying to find ways to "cope" with what this aspect of my life had brought forth. As anyone who has lived with health problems or lives closely with someone who does knows, it makes life really tough to get through at times. After ten years, I am speaking for myself when I say that some of those times have been almost overwhelming in regards to what I have to do, have to think about and have to adjust to. So, finding a way to cope with what life has presented me has been an understandable response. However, the course that search can take can lead many ways. One of those ways has been to judge events that unfold before me and make decisions on how I deal with things based on those judgements. I will speak of one here and it is one I am not proud of. I also want to say that I realize even saying "I am not proud" is a judgement and that the judgements we make about our own behavior may be the most destructive judgements of all. Still, even judgement has a place in our lives and can act as a guide as well. It just has to be really looked at and put in some kind of perspective so that it doesn't have too much influence over our choice-making.

So, one of the biggest ways I have found to cope is to judge the actions of my wife. I am not going to say that I have come to blame her for the choices she makes, but I do think I have used these judgements to dissconnect from her in some ways. I am not proud of this and I suppose I can understand why I have done this, but the "truth" of the matter is that by doing this, I have allowed myself to drift from her and I think that has had all kinds of ramifications. I also think that it is so hard to realize that when we go through something in our lives, even if it appears to be as a result of someone else's actions, it is there for all significant people involved. In other words, even though she is the one that is sick, it is a journey we are both on and one that we both have something to grow from. I can get into what I believe about the significance of the important people in our life and why they are there and whether or not there was some kind of agreement we made before we were born in order to learn certain things. A person named Caroline Myss does a great job of discussing these "contracts" we make. In my book, I look at this in a fictional way.

So, I have been making this coping choice and it has gotten me through some difficult times. the problem is, as this voice informed me, because of that choice, I may not be allowing myself to grow through this period as well as I might. You see, by judging my wife's actions I think I have separated myself from her illness to an extent. This, I think, has meant that we have gone our separate ways in regards to dealing with what we have to deal with. We are together, and we both have each other's best interests at heart most of the time, but for me at least, I think I often go through the motions and have almost become a robot in my dealings with this...especially when it gets really tough. I can understand why I do this and justify it even, but in the end, I'm not sure I am doing myself any favors, and certainly not doing any favors for my wife, in making this choice. It distances us and it may even keep her ill longer. I say this because if this illness is a "life lesson" and if we have to grow in certain ways in order to "pass the class" so to speak then by diverting myself from really connecting to this experience, I am only postponing the process. Of course, even learning that is a step and we have to go through the journey however we can and sometimes even doing things that might not serve us as well is a part of that. Confusing? Bottom line for me is...try and act in a thoughtful way and leave myself open to the choices available and try and make the one that suits me the best. Being a simple human being makes this process challenging, since we don't have much info to go on, but that is the fun of it...I guess!

Well, I'm getting tired of writing and I have other things to attend to. I hope this entry wasn't to rambling. How you FEEL about it is up to you...LOL.

Illness

I am sitting in a hospital room...the third separate visit to the hospital by two of my family members in ten days. I alluded to challenges in my life right now and thus far, I have avoided talking specifically about these challenges. But, as my life continues to be hit by crises, I am wondering if I should not use this blog as a place to talk about these things as well. You see, illness has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I myself have not had a lot of personal disease to deal with, but it seems to surround those close to me. I can't say I have always been graceful in my response to this. In fact, lately it has been harder than ever to deal with the fact that so much of my life has included doctors, hospitals and all the collateral aspects of living with someone who is ill.

I tell myself that having something like this in my life is another way of growing through a lifetime. As shared previously, I believe that this is a prime reason for living...like an ongoing classroom. each lesson adds to the previous one and takes us on a journey of understanding another aspect of life, the universe and everything (thanks to Douglas Adams for providing a line that says it all). Of course, most of us don't actively live life as if it was a CEU credit, but nonetheless, I think we all get something from the experience. It is unfathomable how many paths there are, how many lessons we can learn, how many things there are to discover. I used to want to end up really understanding what this life is about, but as I get older, I realize that as a physical being, it probably isn't possible. All you have to do is look up at the sky, or even gaze at a tree to discover how complex the world around us is. I can't say that it doesn't annoy me sometimes that this is so. I have always hungered for understanding. I don't know why this is, but accepting that seeking this understanding is a infinite quest can drive me nuts. Oh well, as I said in the last post, that's life!

So, I think its time to end this post. I still have not received any comments to these entries. I would love some response, but what will be will be. I hope someone is out there reading this, and I hope it means something to someone. I know this bit about illness is something that is shared by many, both as a patient or as someone who lives with someone who is ill. It is a tough road for both and something that needs to be talked about more. I know how frustrating it has been dealing with the healthcare community for my wife and I over these past years. If there is someone reading this who can relate, feel free to talk about it here if you want. I know this blog is entitled Beyond a Lifetime, but I would like to think that what affects us here has something to do with whatever is beyond as well.

Take care...

That's Life!

Well, it’s done! I just finished rereading my manuscript, Beyond a Lifetime for what I have told myself is the last time before deciding on what to do next. At this point, that means looking into self-publishing and offering the book for sale on my website. I plan on doing what I can to promote the book and beyond that, who knows.

Right now, while I am glad to be done with this final edit, I miss what is over. it was kind of nice to just have to worry about reading my book and fixing anything that came up. Plus, I really enjoyed the book. It have been some time since I have read it in its entirety. Now, I have to look outward and decide how best to get my book noticed in a world that is cluttered with people trying to sell their wares. Complicating things is a family life that has been more than a bit turbulent of late. For instance, right now I am sitting in a hospital room with my wife, who has been here for the past three days. Additionally, I have my parents, who just moved to the same city I live in. Add to that a hectic work load, teenage girls to raise and assorted other day to day responsibilities and I find it difficult to devote regular time to this endeavor. This partly explains why I have not written an entry to this blog in over a month. Even when I try to write something, I find it hard to gain perspective enough to write a decent entry.

While I find my life very challenging right now, I try and live by the words I have written and what just makes sense to me. Even writing the word “challenging” is a conscious effort to not apply judgment to my circumstances. Though I cannot seem to help feeling overwhelmed and sometimes bitter about the things life is throwing at me, overall, I can’t help but believe that the only way to gain the most from whatever I am encountering is to face it with as little judgment as possible.

I wish I understood why life hands us what it does sometimes. At times, I can appreciate the wonder of it all and marvel at how it seems to work. At other times, now for example, it is really hard to comprehend. All I can keep saying to myself is “this to shall pass”. Usually, it does. I can look back at other times in my life where things seemed hopeless, and eventually, those times have passed and life has moved on. In many ways, I have a life that is filled with many remarkable things.

It has always amazed me how courageous we all are. We walk through our life never really knowing what is to come. Sometimes, it is easy to follow whatever path we are on and sometimes it is more difficult. None of us has any binding contract that says what our life will be. None of us even knows for sure why we are here and what we are supposed to do with this lifetime. Obviously, I believe that there is something significant to us being here; living through whatever we live through. If and when you read my book (coming soon to a bookstore and cyberstop near you…I hope) you will learn what I think this might be all about. Though I feel pretty passionate about my book and what it says, I know that it is just something from my imagination. At best, it is an educated guess on what we are doing here. Someday, I hope that others will delve into this thing I call “spirit fiction. I think it is something worth imagining. It is obvious that a belief in the afterlife is accepted by a good number of people. If you are reading this, chances are it is this belief that has led you here. So, we believe that: 1. Our life does not seem to end after we die and 2. People we know and love that have passed, are somehow, somewhere still around us. What does this mean and what kind of impact can that have on our life?

I doubt I will ever have answers to these and so many other questions I have about this. At least, not until I have died. But, the questions are fascinating. For me, just the belief that our spirit, soul whatever you want to call it, lives on somehow has so many implications for us.

Well, enough rambling for now. Again, sorry for the long gap between postings. That’s life!