Don't doubt it

A bit of stream of conciousness writing today…woke up and wondered what kind of day it was going to be today. Knowing that I have some control over that, I stayed in bed a bit longer and tried to clear my mind. Suddenly, I began to imagine a fairy entering my brain. The image came out of nowhere and the fairy was your typical Tinkerbell (disney version) variety. She entered through my ear and made her way through my head. She moved through areas of dark and shadow, which she told me were quite normal. It brings shading to our lives, she said, and helps illuminate the brighter areas. At one point, she came to a very dark, cloudy area, which she said was my doubt. She said that it was the greatest inhibitor in my life. Moments of happiness and sadness are normal, she said, but doubt is something that I invite into myself and only I can make it go away. She then lit up quite brightly and began to make the clouds of doubt depart. It was an interesting little mind movie to watch and I was most impressed with the fact that I allowed it to continue. So many times I will get flashes of images in my mind, but they seem to vanish when I apply my full concentration to them. I think my full concentration includes trying to interprete what I am seeing instead of actually just letting the images flash across my mind. This time, I chose to just view without commentary and it worked much better.

So, after it was gone, I then applied my reasoning to it and figured it was sent to, again, remind me that I am a wholly unique and intriguing human who has every right to walk this Earth and bring to it whatever I deem worthy. There will always be others who will judge my actions, but I should not be one of them. My role as a human is to create the life I am living, always realizing that I am an auteur who puts my own imprint on everything I do. I am purposely saying I and not we because, while I think that this applies to us all, who am I to say?

Besides it is nothing profound, but rather simple. I need to cherish myself because I am myself. I find the best thoughts are the ones that are most simple. Having Tinkerbell star in them is just icing on the cake.

Happy Spring

Hail everybody! I am back after a long winter’s hibernation. Here in Las Vegas, the trees began to bud a couple weeks ago and the weather has been incredibly nice. I know I am not alone in reveling in the season, but as I take my daily walks, I am awestruck anew with the colors and textures I see all around me. I find myself stopping to gaze at the birds perched in the trees and wondering if there is any way to let them know how much I enjoy their song and movements. The cycle of nature is truly an amazing mystery that takes place all around us as we go about our days.

I woke up today with the feeling that discoveries await me. every car I passed as I drove, every song on the radio, might be another hint along the path. Did you ever feel as if something was hovering around you, tapping you on the shoulder waiting for you to respond? I know, for me, it is hard to feel the rhythm of the Earth. Some days, I feel like it is intimately accessible and always will be. Then, the next day comes and contact is just the wisp of a memory. Knowing I held it within my grasp just the day before makes the lack of connection gnaw at my mind. Then, comes another day and whispers in my head tell me that this is how it has to be. Our souls encased in skin, trudging through a world everyday that, on the surface at least, does not always seem amenable to spiritual relationships. Is it any wonder that we can’t always feel the wonder that is all around us and within us as well? And are we supposed to?

Which brings us to the why of it all. Why are we here? Why is the world around us seemingly so crazy? Why can’t I find that other sock when I take my clothes out of the dryer? So many big questions that on a day to day basis are crowded out by the lives we all live within. Is it any wonder that we can’t always feel the cosmic conduit that runs through us all? I get down on myself all the time because I so often forget that there is a bigger picture to our lives. Maybe it is the same for you, and maybe its something else that causes you to doubt, to lose faith, to not feel that awesomeness that life is.

One of the reasons I stopped writing, I think, is because with blogging, as with any user generated content, you throw yourself out to the electronically connected world and your content is open to world wide scrutiny. Not that most of us have more than a few people consuming our musings. I wrote something a few months ago that was not interpreted the way I thought I was writing it. Maybe its because I make my living communicating through words, but it pierced through me at the time. As the moment passed, I told myself that part of the beauty of the Internet in general, is that collaborative part of the process. I bare what I want to share of my life, my thoughts, my feelings, and it can create a need to respond, which is really something. We spend most of our time walled off inside our selves, and with this little act, we attempt to poke our head out of the ground and commune with life. You can’t control what life decides to lob at you, which is what makes this high wire act we live everyday so damn amazing! Still, the interplay must have hurt me at some level. Which is why I revel in the fact that I am back again to share my thoughts even knowing that it might not be taken the way I imagined. Worse yet, for us digital narcissists, that it is not taken at all.

Well, time to put this post to bed. In the end, for me at least, it is the act of doing this and feeling whatever I feel from the words that is the most significant. I think that is because the interaction we have with ourselves is the most important communication of all. Family, spouses, friends, anonymous online visitors, ethereal guests, they all make our day more varied and offer us something to educate and inspire, but in the end, we are the embodiment of it all and we create the collage that is ME.

Happy Spring!